When I’m struggling, it can really help to take a moment to appreciate the little things that make me happy. Sometimes the littler the better!
Today? Well, that cup of tea that my husband always brings me first thing in the morning makes me very happy. The cup isn’t my everyday “mug”, it’s a porcelain cup and saucer that I bought in a local antiques market. I have two of them and only have my first cup of tea each morning in them. While Mark goes downstairs after getting himself ready in the morning, I enjoy a bit of a “lie-in” whilst listening to Radio 2 and the Chris Evans Breakfast Show. Usually some time between 7:30-7:40 Mark brings up my cup of tea and gives me a kiss. I can always count on this service Monday through Friday and sometimes on the weekend if I am lucky. I like this slow way of starting my day even though it isn’t particularly productive. I also like that Mark starts the day with the children and listening to their clatter is soothing.
When I drop the children off at school, that last kiss and reminder to “do good things” helps them to start their school day but it also helps me to know that I am leaving them with a positive thought and the knowledge that I love them. My brief walk home is always a bit quieter, a bit slower. I make a conscious effort to slow down and breathe. To appreciate the things around me. Greeting little ones and their parents is important to me. I like to be cheerful to others because I know that I appreciate it as well.
I arrive back home, unlock the door and let myself into the house where it is quiet and still. The house, while sometimes seems too silent and lonely, is a comfort to me as well. My morning routine centres around making a cup of tea (in one of my happy mugs), eating breakfast, listening to Radio 2 and getting down to work. Part of the reason that I have Radio 2 on is that it means someone else is in the room with the dogs and me. I have someone to listen to, talk to or laugh with. I hear the news every 30 minutes so I feel like I know what’s going on in the world.
My desk is a happy place for me. It’s an old writing bureau that Mark brought home for me. I painted it with chalk paint and originally it took pride of place in my Shedquarters in the garden. But then the Autumn and Winter temperatures made the Shedquarters less of a haven so I dragged it across the garden to take up residence near the back door of our lounge. My writing desk is decorated with bits and bobs of happiness and comfort. My laptop sits comfortably waiting for the ideas in my head to pour out into the keyboard. Some days it waits a while! My laptop is surrounded by several of my colourful notebooks which also wait to be written in. The ideas don’t seem to flow as frequently these days for some reason. Perhaps it’s lack of practice?
Another source of happiness for me is the sound of children’s voices when they play outside at school. We live only a stone’s throw from school and each morning during their break time and each afternoon at lunch I can hear their (hopefully) gleeful voices. I find it reassuring although having worked at school lunch hour previously, I know that not all of those shouts and squeals are happy voices. However I like to think that my two children are happy each day.
I’m quite a social person naturally and while I love the flexibility and freedom of working from home, I find the lack of company quite oppressive some days. I’ve been trying to find the right words to explain my feelings and thoughts but am struggling. There’s no reason for me to be struggling to be fair but I am. I feel like I have just stepped into quicksand. I’m stuck but as I try to move to extricate myself from this situation I just get more stuck. So there I stand…still. Paralysed essentially. Not sure what to do or where to go.
As I have mentioned in previous posts, I am peri-menopausal. A few months ago, after seeing a 3rd GP at my surgery, he offered to put me on anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication, suggesting that it might also help with my hot flushes. While I have felt that the medication has helped me, to even me out more and clear away some of the black fog, I don’t think it’s actually what I need. I believe that hormone therapy of some sort is the best option but unfortunately the NHS generally chooses to ignore the symptoms of peri-menopausal and menopausal women. It’s time for me to get educated and make another visit to the GP to really see what can be done.
In the meantime, I am going to keep focusing on the little things and taking baby steps. The imperfectly happy journey…it’s quite the adventure.