Don’t you just hate it when something you didn’t even know you wanted doesn’t happen? It’s been almost a month since I have written because life got very busy suddenly and I found the words weren’t coming so I just let them rest. Now I need to get them out.
3 weeks ago I saw a post on Facebook that a friend shared. It was a job listing for a Trainee Programme through the NHS. The NHS was looking for 4 people who wanted to become Trainee Child and Young Person’s Wellbeing Practitioners. The successful candidates would enter a PGCE programme to attain the necessary training and certification to become a Child and Young Person’s Wellbeing Practitioner and would also be paid a rather nice salary for 37.5 hours per week with all of the benefits of full time employment, including paid holiday, etc. This post had my name all over it! I have wanted to continue on from my initial work through Relax Kids to reach more children, help families and schools to create safe spaces and provide support for children experiencing anxiety and stress. I only had about 6 days to complete the NHS online application, contact and list references and also apply for the University PGCE programme which also required submitting my University transcripts. A lot of effort went into the applications but once they were complete I sat and waited with anticipation. The job description mentioned that interviews would take place the week of 5 November. I had been contacted by a couple of different people associated with the post asking basic job requirement questions so I was hopeful. I meditated, visualised and manifested. I could see myself in this role. I was excited.
And then it was November 4. I hadn’t been contacted. Interviews were supposed to start on 5 November. I emailed the contact person to enquire as to whether or not we would be notified if we were being offered an interview. The response that arrived at 5pm on 5 November was “We have already begun the interview process. Unfortunately, your application has not been successful this time.” Blah. I didn’t get an interview. I didn’t even get a courtesy email thanking me for applying and letting me know that “my application had not been successful this time.” I was like a balloon that was just poked by a random thorn whilst flying through the sky. A slow stream of air escaped as I began to sink and look rather less cheerful. A job that I hadn’t even realised that I wanted was not going to happen. And I was deflated.
I know, I know…I do believe that if something that you want to happen doesn’t, it wasn’t meant to be. As a wise friend said, “it’s not the job for you right now if it didn’t happen”. I know all of that but it still is disappointing. And that has knocked me a bit. I have slept so poorly the last 2 days, awake at ridiculous o’clock, over-thinking and aimless. But I know too that it wasn’t what I was meant to do. I was meant to do something else. Something that I haven’t quite figured out yet. And that’s a bit of my roadblock at the moment: what do I want?
I received an email from a positive psychology newsletter that I have subscribed to. Ironically, the subject of the email was WHAT DO YOU WANT? Not, “what do you want to do or be” but what do you want. I am looking forward to sitting down with my notebook to work on this. It’s everything from what type of setting do you feel most comfortable in to the hours that you want to work to what the subject of your work will be. It’s not defining a job or role but what the conditions are that you need to be the most happy, motivated and inspired.
In addition to this journaling exercise, I am free-writing ideas for the mini-mountains that I have burbling under the surface at the moment. I am also feeling the feelings. It’s okay to be disappointed. It’s okay to wallow a bit. It’s okay to have a nap or eat gluten-free onion rings for lunch. It’s okay to have a bit of retail therapy. It’s definitely okay to do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better. So this week is about that. Baby steps to feeling stronger. Baby steps to climbing that mountain. And I will get there.
How do you manage yourself when you get knocked back? What baby steps do you take to reignite your sparkle?